


"I wrote some notes at the beginning of a song": An Informal "Hamilton" Meta Collection

by icarusandtheson



Series: The Hamilton Papers [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Gen, M/M, Meta, Nonfiction, due to my being who i am there is a strong hamilton/washington lens on most of these, however other dynamics make appearances as well, the titles will guide you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:08:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 70
Words: 18,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25811842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icarusandtheson/pseuds/icarusandtheson
Summary: A collection of thoughts, analyses, and speculations on various elements of "Hamilton: An American Musical", compiled here for posterity and ease of reading. Pieces vary in length, depth, and subject, but all retain their original informal, occasionally stream-of-consciousness format from their original postings on Tumblr.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton & Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Alexander Hamilton & George Washington, Alexander Hamilton & Philip Hamilton (1782-1801), Alexander Hamilton/George Washington, Rachel Faucette Buck & Alexander Hamilton
Series: The Hamilton Papers [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1080108
Comments: 26
Kudos: 32





	1. whamilton meta (cabinet battle #1 edition) (wordcount: 534)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a compilation of all my "Hamilton" meta, mainly for the purpose of having an archive of them somewhere that isn't purely on Tumblr. Some of these will be in-depth looks into a moment or a line from the show, some of them will be brief thoughts only a sentence or two long. Original titles have been maintained, and titleless pieces have been given basic descriptive titles for easier navigation. Wordcounts have been provided chapter by chapter for convenience. For longer analyses with the same level of off-the-wall thinking, please see the two previous works in this series. 
> 
> If you would like to discuss any of these further, use the comment section or come find me on Tumblr at [icarusandtheson](https://icarusandtheson.tumblr.com/)!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: august 24th, 2017

so, [this post](https://icarusandtheson.tumblr.com/post/185962858997) made me think. and obviously I realize acting choices differ between each iteration of a performance and whatnot, and obviously i’m viewing it though my wham shipping goggles. that being said.

so, hamilton is the one who stepped out of line, in the sense that he broke the convention of at least mildly civil (rapping) discourse and devolved straight into insults. and we see washington coming at hamilton looking justifiably disapproving. he’s facing hamilton when jefferson is stalking forward for a fight, and he’s still facing hamilton when hamilton’s posture tenses up to fight as well. but he doesn’t restrain hamilton, who is himself ready to start throwing punches. he turns on jefferson, who’s advancing, and shields hamilton from him instead. what’s interesting about that is that hamilton doesn’t need to be shielded, he’s as ready to thrown down as jefferson is. and it would make logical sense for washington to restrain the person he’s already facing who initiated the tension to begin with rather than to turn and deal with the other party involved, especially when he’s gone to the trouble of asking jefferson to come to new york in the first place and probably doesn’t want to offend him his first day on the job. but he does turn. and stares jefferson down until he backs off. so it’s a weird scene because washington isn’t defending hamilton in the sense that he’s condoning what was just said, and we know this because he was in hamilton’s face a moment ago clearly disapproving of his actions, but he is defending hamilton physically.

as far as surface intentions in the musical itself, this probably just means that washington doesn’t want his secretaries brawling in the middle of a cabinet meeting because it’s childish and undignified. but, to me, this is really indicative of the complexities between these two. hamilton is rash and acts out, washington can’t and won’t condone that kind of behavior and will take him to task for it, but _only_ he can take him to task for it. hamilton may be in the wrong but it’s not jefferson’s place to correct him, especially not by decking him and especially not in washington’s cabinet. and washington chews hamilton out at the end of cabinet battle #1, so it’s not that he’s being especially sympathetic to hamilton’s position. but that just makes that brief moment of shielding so much more confusing. why, even exasperated with hamilton’s antics, is washington’s first instinct to block him from an incoming threat? is it possible washington is still trying to protect hamilton – from hamilton’s own big mouth and short temper, and from outside forces, like he tried to do in the war? 

but it’s a thankless task, hamilton wants to fight. so why bother? is the instinct just too strong? is there something special about hamilton that makes washington want to step in instead of letting him get hurt for something that was his own fault, to guide him – even by the scruff of his neck – into acting right? i mean, this is all based on 3 seconds of footage and is entirely speculation, but it brings up some interesting ideas. 


	2. brief thoughts on alex, eliza, and the usage of eliza's theme (wordcount: 156)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: july 1st, 2018

today’s mood is remembering that alex quotes eliza’s theme -- "look around, look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right now -- back at her in non-stop as he’s leaving, as his _justification_ for leaving – the world they’re living in (or that alex is living in, at least) is new and exciting and needs to be shaped, and _how_ can he refuse that? for her or for anything?

like. the sheer fact that he internalizes her logic, but not in the way she intended or wanted, that their values and desires are not matching up. it’s a stark, masterful, painful way to show that distance. 

just. god. does he do it because he thinks it will mollify her or because he really thinks she’ll understand? and if it’s the second, what does _that_ say? that he tries to find this common theme only for them both to realize they have different interpretations?


	3. on "history has its eyes on you" (wordcount: 409)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: july 11th, 2018
> 
> this has undergone some slight cuts, as it was created in a slightly different/even more informal format than the other posts.

i’ve yet to see someone give ‘history has its eyes on you’ the love it deserves as an Iconic Whamilton Moment so. let’s go. 

  * the contrast between their last song together ( _meet me inside_ ), all tension and shouting and hurt, and this one. soft, calm, reaching an understanding. 
  * washington sharing his tragic backstory! it’s not the first time we’ve seen him demonstrate how much he trusts hamilton, or the first time he’s shown that he doesn’t have everything under control _(right hand man_ has that distinction) but it is extremely telling. 
  * no seriously the fact that this is as close as we get to an explanation for washington losing it in mmi? because it wasn’t about lee, not really. and the moment hamilton is back washington is, in this really roundabout way, explaining that he doesn’t want hamilton to make his mistakes. or worse, become yet _another_ person who dies because washington made the wrong call. 
  * “i know that greatness lies in you”. washington is the first person in the musical to not just acknowledge hamilton's worth but to also give him the opportunity to do something with it. and here he is doing it again, despite his reservations.
  * also. “i know that we can win”. ‘we’ being the literal army but within the context of the song it _very_ much reads as the two of them. because from the beginning that’s been the _point._ the general and his right hand man. they’re gonna win this. 
  * the sheer fact that he’s concerned about hamilton’s safety but is willing to let him fight if those are his terms to return????
  * “you have no control who lives who dies who tells your story”. hamilton is going to carry this theme with him for the rest of his life. it’s the title of the finale for a _reason._ washington exits the narrative but he never _really_ leaves because hamilton never forgets, always carries him with him.
  * just. washington trying to warn hamilton because he wants to save him from the shame and hurt. i can’t get over it. 
  * yorktown is so high energy and amazing as the end of act one and i feel like we don’t stop and think enough about how monumental this one little slow song is. how it sets up so much thematically. how we see hamilton and washington as _equals_ in a way we won’t see again until one last time, and i’d argue not even then. 




	4. a brief thought on "the world was wide enough" and mishearings (wordcount: 123)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: july 13th, 2018

fun fact. the first few times i heard the ocr, i thought hamilton’s line to eliza in “the world was wide enough” was “i’d love to take your time”, not “my love, take your time.” and honestly? both are heartbreaking in their own ways, but my mishearing really drew my attention to how all eliza wanted was a little bit of hamilton’s time. and never really got it. years and hundreds of replays later, it still hurts to think about. 

she got time, but she never got time with him. and at the end of things he couldn’t give her any more than the hope that she would get the time (to live, to make a difference, to be happy) that he didn’t. 


	5. on rachel and the logic of maternal rapping in “hamilton” (wordcount: 464)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: july 13th, 2018

okay. so. eliza beatboxes, angelica raps. lots of meta has been written about the subject, but for the purposes of this thought my main takeaway is the dynamics this sets up: beatboxing equals support (eliza for her son, just starting out with his first rhymes, and in a greater narrative way, for hamilton) and rapping equals kindred spirits/like minds (angelica and hamilton). so we know there’s a difference, but it’s not a gendered difference – it’s more about personality. 

my question is, in the alternate universe where there’s a musical about alex’s early life ~~and i get the mother-son backstory i deserve~~ , which is rachel? or is she both? 

because it’s implied that philip is trying to model himself after alex, right? “making [his] father proud” and all that. eliza supports him, but she doesn’t pass on her skill, it’s more about helping him form his self-expression. so it makes sense that he raps because he learned (however indirectly) from alex. 

okay. cool. where’d alex learn it, though? are you gonna stand there and tell me _james fucking hamilton_ was around enough to impart that? no, I refuse to believe it. so where does he learn these fast-paced complex rhymes that he floors the revset with right off the bat? 

his mom. has to be. it’s the one positive relationship from his past that alex dwells on in the musical. and we know he couldn’t have learned it from other kids because he’s “never had a group of friends before” (which is… emotional pain for another meta piece on another day). 

the beatboxing is less certain – is that an _eliza_ thing, or is it a _maternal_ thing? the script says [eliza beatboxes maternally], so maybe we can pull from that direction that, yes, it’s a thing moms do in this musical universe. so maybe rachel did. and it makes sense – this woman who died holding her son probably was supportive. we have no reason to think otherwise – he remembers her so fondly in “helpless”. 

but the _rapping_ is fascinating to me. because we know from angelica that the fact that both her and alex rap is a sign that they vibe on some mental, intellectual level. i love the implication that, if alex learned to rap from _the one steady adult presence in his life for the first 12 years,_ there was a wavelength, there. an understanding of minds alongside the mother-son dynamic of love and support. it’s beautiful to think of, but also explains this very obvious ache alex carries around in him regarding his mother – if he lost not just his mother, but the one person who _understood_ him? i can’t imagine. 

tl;dr where’s my musical number with rachel spitting fire and baby alex looking on in awe? 


	6. brief comparisons between washington/hamilton and select moments in helpless/satisfied (wordcount: 127)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> highly speculative, largely wish fulfillment, such is the fun of thinking into the void. 
> 
> original post date: july 16th 2018

so. not sure if anyone recalls that article about how _hamilton_ reverses/subverts gender roles by having the schuylers in _helpless/satisfied_ claim alexander romantically and comment on his physical attributes while he does neither (reliable with the ladies. yeah, okay).

while i was looking through _yorktown_ , something was familiar. mainly: “you turn back to me, smiling, and i’m helpless” in _helpless_ vs. “i see george washington smile” in _yorktown._ the same narrated description of a person’s physical, particularly facial, features, after a significant hurdle has been overcome/victory has been accomplished. 

interesting, that alex does that, and that in terms of claiming, we have washington in rhm finishing the chorus’ “here comes the general” with “and his right hand man!”

subversive indeed. and reliable in some respects, at least.


	7. brief thoughts on "meet me inside" and creating tension (wordcount: 165)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the first of many tangents on mmi. 
> 
> original post date: august 2nd, 2018

thinking about watching the show for the first time and like. it’s all a joyful, poorly recorded blur, but like…. _meet me inside_ i recall with perfect clarity. just the raw visceral tension, the strain it creates _in the viewer_ because you feel like something has to snap, hamilton and washington shouting at each other isn’t enough.

washington is holding himself so tightly at the end of it after hamilton screams at him and there’s _nothing._ we don’t get the satisfaction of seeing him snap, and neither does hamilton. and their combined disappointment and exhaustion and anger and worry is so palpable even through a screen. coming to blows almost feels like it would be _better,_ than whatever strained silence descends. less painful. and isn’t that exactly what alexander must be feeling? what he was _after?_ but he doesn’t get to see washington crack. he gets sent home, and the tension doesn’t break until washington breaks it himself in _history has it’s eyes on you._


	8. "dear theodosia", hamilton, and foreshadowing (wordcount: 176)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: august 7th, 2018

thinking today about the fact that hamilton’s line in _dear theodosia_ is “i’ll do whatever it takes” and then in _burn_ , eliza notes angelica’s warning about him: “he will do what it takes to survive.” the songs couldn’t be more different, and yet the similarities of these lines bring up an interesting inversion. hamilton first promises to do “whatever it takes” to make the world safe for philip, and eliza later takes it as an explanation for his writing of the reynolds’ pamphlet at the price of his family’s happiness.

it’s heartbreaking for many reasons, and it’s such a simple way to show that this is who hamilton _is._ this is his defining motivation, always – whatever it takes to reach his goals, and yes, to survive. he wants to approach fatherhood and family life the way he approaches everything else in his life, and it ends so disastrously. the worst part? the foundations for that disaster were already laid, lyrically speaking, in a song that was meant to be a reprieve from pain and strife.


	9. on "i trusted him" as a defining line (wordcount: 180)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: august 9th, 2018

do you ever just think about how the opening song distills hamilton and washington’s relationship down to “i trusted him”? and how significant trust is for these characters? hamilton because of his traumatic past and the fact that he very much had no one to rely on, washington because of his status – his introduction in _right hand man_ shows him so aware of this, aware of the “pedestal” he’s placed on and how it skews perception. implied, there, that he needs someone he can trust to see the situation clearly, to see _him_ clearly. 

and he trusts hamilton, who returns the sentiment: even at the beginning, he takes the position under washington despite wanting to fight, because he trusts washington when he says it’s important – already trusts that washington is the _only one_ who can make this happen, who can lead them to victory. and that sentiment stays true, no matter what else changes – that unwavering trust. enough to come back to each other over and over again, to work for their country and build it. together. 


	10. on “blow us all away” and the legacy of the duel (wordcount: 482)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: august 15th, 2018

so _blow us all away_ is painful for a whole host of reasons. i know there’s been some meta already on the similarities between its duel and the duel in _stay alive,_ but humor me here: there is something so achingly indicative of hamilton’s character in this song. the fact that his sense of honor won’t bend, the fact that washington called him out for it, for the _dangers of it,_ twenty years ago and he still hasn’t learned to mind his general’s well-earned wisdom. 

philip says “i doubt you would have let it slide”. and that’s it. that’s _all of it._ hamilton is no more able to let slights slide as an adult than he was at philip’s age, when he leaped at the chance to make lee pay for insulting washington. and washington’s warning holds true – this duel has far more disastrous effects than the scuffle with lee. “or you could die”, washington shouts, and hamilton snaps back that he’s more than willing to. “your wife needs you alive, son, i need you alive” – it’s exactly what philip needed to hear, exactly what washington was trying to stop years before it would happen: hamilton’s recklessness ruining his life. washington assumed hamilton’s own demise, but the words hold in this new context, too: eliza needs philip alive, and so does hamilton, even if the realization comes too late, the words (for once) too late. 

there’s also an interesting element to linking the two duels. philip says “[eacker] disparaged my father’s legacy in front of a crowd. i can’t have that, i’m making my father proud.” this concept of taking pride in and feeling protective over not only _your_ legacy, but the legacy of the one you admire, the one whose approval you want (there is, maybe, more to be said here re: eliza and how she takes on hamilton’s legacy after his death, and how the show puts that forward as a good alternative to what messes the hamilton boys make). it paints _meet me inside_ in a very poignant retrospective light – does hamilton react so badly to washington’s chiding because he wanted approval, wanted an expression of washington’s pride in him? 

it also frames philip’s relationship to his father – hamilton wanted the approval of his _general,_ about as untouchable/unreachable of an authority figure as there could be, and he _gets it._ in pieces, maybe, but washington’s faith in hamilton is rarely questioned. philip just wants his dad to be proud of him – “i doubt you would have let it slide”. he doubts. he’s not even certain, but he’s willing to throw himself into a fight on the assumption of what hamilton would do. and he’s right – hamilton tells him how to duel, because that’s who he is. he can’t back down from a fight, from insult, he can’t _learn,_ and it costs him everything. 


	11. line analysis: "don’t do a thing, history will prove him wrong" (wordcount: 502)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> children-of-the-cornholio asked:
> 
> I've been looking for an opinion and I decided, hey- why not icarus, so here I am. I've been asked mutiple times "What's your favourite line in Hamilton?" And people alway suspect me to like a "famous line" (Ex: "Immigrant we get the job done!"). But, I really like the line in Stay Alive where Washington says "Don’t do a thing. History will prove him wrong." Idk why that line sticks out to me as much as it does and I was wondering if you had an opinion/statement on this line, the setting, ect.
> 
> original post date: august 23rd, 2018

so, a lot of the oft-quoted lines _are_ oft-quoted because they’re good one-liners. “immigrants – we get the job done!” is an excellent example. and it makes sense, those are more easily consumable than lines that carry a lot of narrative weight and context, _especially_ if you’re talking to someone who’s consumption of the musical is more casual. they’re great, but all my favorites (there’s a list) are ones that take longer to explain. 

which brings us to your quote. in _stay alive_ , we see washington at his most stressed, his least hopeful – he’s well within his rights to lash out at lee for his slander. but he doesn’t. he _thanks lee for his service_ after the duel – in the obc performance, he bows to him. i get on my soapbox a lot about washington being the musical’s moral authority and _this_ is a place we can see that so clearly. 

lee is not the issue here, there’s a war on and washington is holding everything and everyone together by the skin of his teeth – he’s not sinking to lee’s level when people are dying around him, it’s pointless and childish. lee fucked up, washington dealt with him, and that’s the end of it – it has to be, he literally does not have the time to deal with it, or to deal with _hamilton_ dealing with it. because he knows his aide, he knows how this will go if he doesn’t order otherwise. (hamilton immediately proves him right with that outraged little “but _sir!”)_

“history will prove him wrong” is also so, so indicative of his outlook in this song. washington is always keenly aware of his place in history, and he knows actions matter more than words in this moment. the very next line: “we’ve got a war to win”. lee is wrong; washington knows it, those closest to him know it, it’s time to move on. and i would extend this, too, and say that maybe lee’s words hit harder than washington lets on – maybe he does wonder if he’s the right man to lead. 

we see some of that in _right hand man_ and _history has its eyes on you_ is an outright confession of it. so if history proves lee _right,_ then he was right to talk shit, and there’s no point calling him out – but washington isn’t saying that interpretation to his already downtrodden troops. better to be optimistic, to talk like they’ve already won, like lee is already on his way to irrelevance. 

i like this line because it condenses what i love about george: his iron-clad sense of honor, his lack of time for bullshit, and his unwavering self-awareness. he’s the moral compass, and he doesn’t waver from true north for the likes of charles lee. he thanks him and he bows to him because he is a fucking _class act_ and he is going to get his men through this without complete disaster by sheer force of will. 


	12. line analysis: "you've got a hunger, i was just like you when i was younger" (wordcount: 221)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> children-of-the-cornholio asked:
> 
> Does the, "You've gotta hunger.. I was just like you when I was younger." Ever smack you in the face sometimes-?
> 
> original post date: september 23rd, 2018

washington is one of two characters who immediately catch onto alex’s ambition, he reads him in a moment. angelica is able to as well in _satisfied,_ but she reads it as a potential risk. washington sees it as something ambivalent – good or bad, depending on how alex is guided. he sees alex’s martyr complex, sees that alex’s hunger is for glory more than it is for anything material. he sees himself in this kid and he sees all the mistakes he ever made. 

just. god. washington is _so smart._ this is probably the only time we see exactly how perceptive he is and he reads alex like a book. and alex is clearly shocked – that tight little “yes” when washington asks about his martyr fantasies. he has nothing to hide behind. i’m convinced it’s not just patriotism that keeps him working under washington. he finds someone who can match him. they are so much more alike than either of them even realize, than alex even wants to admit. and the sheer fact that washington recognizes that hunger and he’s willing to feed it? he’s willing to employ alex and throughout their lives he _keeps feeding it._ keeps asking alex to come back to him. he has this intimate understanding of alex that i don’t think any other character shares.


	13. a brief thought on alex's inability to argue washington (wordcount: 77)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: september 24th, 2018

really amused today by the fact that hamilton, argumentative powerhouse extraordinaire, very rarely comes up with a retort to anything washington says that irks him aside from a very scandalized “sir!!!”

i’ve seen posts discussing how washington has the ability to shut hamilton down mid-argument, but the reverse is also interesting to consider – when he’s arguing with washington, hamilton generally doesn’t get very far before all he has left to fall back on is “but sir!” 


	14. a brief thought on hamilton reaching for the sky (wordcount: 164)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: december 6th, 2018

so. we know hamilton’s iconic pose of reaching to the sky (which is a whole meta post on its own: that persistent tragic icarus metaphor) foreshadows him shooting at the sky and forfeiting the duel. but do you ever think about how, in _the world was wide enough,_ we see an alternative? when he sees eliza and he reaches towards her, and for the _first time_ it’s not some driving desire for _more,_ for ambition and status and legacy, that drives him. he reaches out for someone he loves. but it’s not eliza, it’s just his imagination – he left eliza at home, didn’t reach for her when it would have mattered. when it would have saved him. 

then he falls back into the same pose. not reaching, this time he’s relinquishing, but – still the same raised arm. it’s made all the worse, i think, by the fact that we see for a moment that maybe it didn’t have to be that way. 


	15. a brief thought on hamilton and indifference (wordcount: 101)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: december 14th, 2018

thinking today on that line from _hurricane:_ “and when my prayers to god were met with indifference… i wrote my own deliverance”. the fact that hamilton attributes all the tragedies in his life to _indifference._ that he was overlooked. and i think that’s integral to understanding hamilton as a character: he wants to be seen, wants to leave a memorable mark on the world, because he’s linked being ignored to unimaginable suffering. 

his ambition, his prioritizing of his work over anything else, makes so much more sense through that lens. it’s the only way he can think of to save himself. 


	16. thoughts on philip, alexander, and death (wordcount: 159)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: january 21st, 2019

okay yknow what im still stuck on [this post’s ](https://icarusandtheson.tumblr.com/post/182198610212/hamilthoughts-part-i)section about philip’s death. because of course hamilton knows he’s partly to blame. of course he doesn’t want to hear it and of course he can’t do anything but hear it. there’s something so tragically twisted about the orphan boy inadvertently causing his son’s death and fracturing the family he built up from nothing. and the fact that the insult behind the duel was about hamilton _to begin with._ that it’s the stubborn pride and honor and inability to let go that hamilton passed onto philip that made this inevitable. 

every part of this comes back on him. i think there’s a lot of reasons hamilton threw away his shot but i really think this is one of them. how can he live with that? how can he come back from that? every member of his family died or left him and now _this._ he’s right back where he started. 


	17. on "stay alive" and trust (wordcount: 203)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: march 31st, 2019

thinking today about hamilton’s frustration in _stay alive,_ particularly as expressed in “sir, entrust me with a command” and “he dismisses me out of hand”. it’s fascinating because of how completely wrong hamilton is on both counts. _meet me inside_ is revelatory for a lot of reasons, but perhaps one of the most significant explanations it offers is that washington isn’t refusing hamilton’s requests because he finds him lacking – he refuses because he needs hamilton alive, and because he’s made it clear as early as their first meeting in _right hand man_ that glory in battle isn’t the only way hamilton should define himself. 

and “entrust” is such a loaded word here, too. because hamilton reads the constant refusal as a lack of trust, but it’s abundantly clear that isn’t the case. not only because of the above points but because washington’s final line in the opening song is “i trusted him”. that’s the distillation of the whole relationship. but hamilton consistently gets it wrong, consistently assumes washington’s regard for him is less than it is. it explains, a little, why that argument in _meet me inside_ is so intense – there’s so much there, especially in hamilton’s reading of the relationship. 


	18. song analysis: "washington on your side" (wordcount: 340)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked:
> 
> I just realized that’s washington on your side is effectively a 3 minute song complaining that Alex has George wrapped around his little finger
> 
> original post date: may 6th, 2019

it’s actually really interesting, because it’s not necessarily something that’s obvious from interactions between hamilton and washington in a lot of places. _meet me inside_ and the end of _cabinet battle #1_ are the first that come to mind – in both, they’re at odds, and washington is calling the shots. 

so the discrepancy between that and what jefferson/madison/burr describe is fascinating to me. if you go with the reading that the musical is told more or less through hamilton’s perception of his life, it makes sense, because i doubt for a moment that he ever thought he had any kind of power over washington. even without that lens, though, we know washington isn’t immovable, especially when it comes to hamilton. he calls hamilton back after he dismisses him, and he calls him again after the war to work with him. it’s possible that jefferson and co. are exaggerating because they hate hamilton (we know they’re wrong about him on other counts) but i think there’s enough outside of this song to prove their conclusion. 

i always think about that little moment in the obc _cabinet battle #1_ performance where washington steps in front of hamilton when he’s goading jefferson and jefferson comes forward like he’s about to give hamilton the fight he very much seems to be after – it’s the visual representation of jefferson’s complaints in this song, washington standing between hamilton and consequences. to hamilton, maybe washington is stubborn and difficult, but to the outside observer that doesn’t seem to hold up. and maybe the fact that hamilton’s life goes to hell once washington leaves is further proof of that – there’s no buffer anymore. “no more mister nice president” is a fairly clear way to put it. 

also i personally take some delight in the “watchin’ him grabbin’ at power and kiss it” line, if you think about alex’s complicated relationship with power/status and washington as his direct line to that, the embodiment of that. 


	19. on "one last time" (wordcount: 160)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: may 30th, 2019

thinking today about how hamilton keeps protesting washington stepping down in _one last time_ up until washington’s “i want to sit under my own vine and fig tree” line. directly after that, hamilton relents, agrees to help even if he’s clearly not happy about it. on the one hand, maybe washington’s argument is just that convincing, he’s always had a way of understanding how to get through to hamilton. 

on the other hand, it’s fascinating that hamilton relents immediately after washington says he wants to go home, wants to be at peace. that’s the one argument hamilton can’t find fault in, and after that he doesn’t ask washington to stay again. he stops arguing, and he helps, because washington needs him to do this one last thing for him and he can’t refuse. hamilton never lets anything go, but he backs down on this, he lets washington go, and i don’t think that aspect of this moment gets discussed enough. 


	20. on meet me inside (#2) (wordcount: 164)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: august 14th, 2019

i can’t get over _meet me inside._ it’s been – three years? and still. it’s so pivotal and so _vital_ if you want to understand washington and hamilton and how they think. it tears down all of the pretense and we see the two of them forced to speak plainly – hamilton most of all, which is a feat considering how much he loves his rhetoric. we see all his vulnerability and all his desires and insecurities and it’s gutwrenching. 

the culmination of that, when he screams at washington, is _gutwrenching,_ because it comes from such a real, raw place inside of him, we see hamilton’s metaphorical guts in this song in a way i’d argue remains unparalleled in the rest of the musical. and then washington’s dismissal, everything hamilton worked for caving in on him – the horrible fact that washington is coming at this from a place of caring underneath his anger and hamilton will only read his own failure in it. 


	21. on "meet me inside" and "that would be enough" (wordcount: 378)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked:
> 
> The part that makes “meet me inside” so intense for me is actually “that would be enough”. George having to wrestle with his desire to have Hamilton close and the acute understanding that Hamilton HAS to leave. He kept the knowledge to himself for a whole MONTH, not revealing it to his SECRETARY. THE ANGST
> 
> original post date: august 14th, 2019

_the fact that he doesn’t tell hamilton about it at all and never brings it up._ eliza tells him, but washington has no way of knowing she’ll do that, it’s not like they ever talk about it after hamilton comes back. he just lets hamilton think what he will – him and eliza are a fantastic team in that sense, they both know they can’t bring the fact of the matter to him directly. (implied there: it wouldn’t be enough. hamilton says eliza should’ve told him but the implication all three of them are dancing around is that he wouldn’t have come back, not for her and not for the baby.)

also _how did that work_ if alex was helping gw with all his correspondence? how did he not see the letter addressed to the general from his _wife?_ and how careful must washington have been to make sure alex didn’t see it, because – why? eliza didn’t specify alex couldn’t know before he came home. was washington waiting for hamilton to do something worth sending him home so as to not provoke conflict between the newlyweds? and if hamilton _hadn’t,_ if he’d done everything by the book and not given washington such indisputable proof of why he needed to leave, why he _wasn’t safe there_ , would washington have kept him on until the war was done regardless of eliza’s letter? 

because he calls him back. we don’t talk about this enough – alex gets the blame for leaving eliza, but he would have stayed. eliza is still pregnant and washington _calls him back,_ and alex _comes._ that is just… that is so, so loaded. it makes me hurt for eliza, and philip, and a little for washington, who has these warring impulses and tried to do the right and honorable thing – and then went back on it because he needed hamilton at his side. 

now i’m thinking of the eyes squeezing shut [here](https://66.media.tumblr.com/cfc4545a1d7e0444c2bcb8528b77f32c/tumblr_pvs3u4lFHh1x02l0lo9_500.gif). what is that if not wrestling with some unspoken, impossible conflict? washington _can’t stay still,_ which is uncharacteristic of him and speaks to something that might not just be anger; it would make sense by comparison too, alex is laying out all his issues and their movements are very similar in this scene.


	22. on "meet me inside" (#3) (wordcount: 197)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: august 15th, 2019

okay i’m still not finished talking about mmi because it drives me up a _wall_ that they don’t touch but keep invading each other’s space – washington especially keeps coming closer and closer while he chews hamilton out, and of course hamilton steps to him on “call me son one more time!” and their faces are so close in that moment, their _bodies_ are so close, but they don’t touch for a moment. the closer to hamilton’s outburst they get, the closer they get _physically,_ and there’s a moment in that gifset of the obc staging i’ve been analyzing to pieces where washington’s hand is either almost or barely brushing hamilton’s coat, and holds it there, completely still, while hamilton screams at him.

and it’s achingly effective in its simplicity, because that’s the whole _point of the song,_ that they’re circling each other and coming so close to some kind of realization but they can’t cross that divide, they can’t understand each other. they _don’t touch_ and after hamilton snaps he looks away, and shifts his weight back, and the distance starts to increase, and it feels like something significant was just lost, or passed over altogether. 


	23. on "meet me inside" (#4) (wordcount: 143)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: august 18th, 2019

i actually can’t stop marveling at hamilton’s audacity on “well _i don’t have your name”._ just the fact that he _goes there._ this is what i mean when i say _meet me inside_ is where he spills his guts – he moves from being upset that washington doesn’t realize everything he’s done he’s done to defend washington’s good name, to expressing anger/frustration at the fact that he doesn’t _have that name,_ and all that it entails.

he wants george’s name and wants to protect that name and the fact that those two things are so clearly intertwined in hamilton’s brain (because they _are,_ washington is still arguing against the first point when hamilton charges into the second, hamilton’s clearly been thinking about this) is so telling. the fact that he blows up at washington calling him “son” despite all that is so telling. 


	24. on "meet me inside" (#5) (wordcount: 267)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked:
> 
> Also MMI shows just how insecure Alex is when he doesn’t feel useful. Sons are supposed to carry on legacies, properties & estates. Alex can’t do any of that for George. So I think that shows WHY the “son” makes him so upset. “Why would George want a son like me?”
> 
> original post date: august 18th, 2019

bastard orphan, right? he’s nobody’s heir, he was never going to be anybody’s heir, and definitely not a man like washington. that’s why he wants to fight in the war, that’s why he’s ready to fight lee – other ways to forge and protect legacy since the usual avenues are barred to him. the thing is, he’s _not_ washington’s son. but washington doesn’t treat him like any other soldier at his disposal, either, washington protects him – and then turns around furious when hamilton tries to defend him. it’s conflicting information that hamilton can’t make sense of, and i think that “son” grates so much because he reads it as washington so easily labeling this thing that _hamilton can’t understand._ it’s not just that what he can do for washington is limited, it’s that he doesn’t understand why washington apparently cares despite this. 

if he’s not valuable as a soldier then he doesn’t have value because he has literally nothing else, no name or land or titles, but somehow he _does_ have value because washington claims he’s holding him back for his own protection, because washington needs him. and hamilton keeps reminding washington of where they stand, keeps telling him what he’s not, and washington just keeps _going_ – like he doesn’t hear, or like he doesn’t care, or like it doesn’t matter. it’s this paradox he can’t work out and washington is telling him he needs him alive, washington is calling him _son,_ and the easiest thing he can think of, the only thing he can think of, is to scream at him until he stops.


	25. on "non-stop", washington, and hamilton (wordcount: 247)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http-tiredwhims asked:
> 
> *clears throat* Alexander is so EAGER in Non-Stop when George is like “hey I need you” and he goes against his own family and their wants just so he can serve George and the new nation. Idk, I keep thinking about that and how this isn’t the first time George has called him away from his family to be his right hand man and it’s so obvious that Alex would give up so much to bring honor to George and their respective legacies
> 
> original post date: august 19th, 2019

i’ve talked about this moment a lot over the years, but seriously: _never_ forget the obc staging of non-stop where alex literally rips his arms out of angelica and eliza’s grips to climb the scaffolding to where washington is waiting at the top. because _really._ it’s _so_ on the nose, and it definitely lays it all out: hamilton makes his choice and it’s status, it’s legacy, it’s usefulness, and it’s not eliza or their kid or angelica (even if her leaving earlier in the song clearly affects him). kind of a dick move? undoubtedly. indicative of some serious devotion to washington and their cause? absolutely. 

it’s fascinating to me too that _washington_ clearly expects hesitation? he takes pains to acknowledge what it will mean for hamilton to leave his family and his life, he expects them to be a natural part of hamilton’s decision and they just – aren’t. hamilton is already way ahead of him, already wants to get started. it’s a cute little exchange between them but it’s juxtaposed with eliza’s (very understandable) hurt and censure the very next moment. and when she presses him he quotes _washington_ back at her, “they are asking me to lead” – when of course we know it’s washington doing the asking. how do you even begin to unpack that?

washington calls and hamilton comes and that’s always been what they are, and it’s what they’ll be until washington leaves and hamilton has no one to call him anymore.


	26. on "daddy's calling" (wordcount: 181)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked:
> 
> Speaking of canon moments, Jefferson really did call gwash alex’s daddy. And alex, who has a response to everything, doesn’t get one for that. Amazing.
> 
> original post date: august 22nd, 2019

jefferson really just went for his jugular there, huh. alexander “don’t call me son” hamilton getting his complicated relationship with his boss and his deep-seated fear of inferiority _and_ his daddy issues dragged kicking and screaming across the cabinet room floor. no wonder he can’t say anything in response. 

and the thing is: washington breaks the pattern. hamilton and jefferson sniping back and forth and then jefferson gets his dig in on “you’re nothing without washington behind you” (”daddy’s calling” is shocking, it’s meant to be, but jefferson sets up the innuendo here already, the insult is _layered)_ , and then washington calls, and hamilton says nothing, and jefferson says, “daddy’s calling” and hamilton _still says nothing._ he comes when washington calls and lets jefferson gloat because washington needing him is more important than defending himself. which kind of proves jefferson’s point. 

it’s the first time hamilton’s devotion to washington has been framed as something shameful and it must sting bitterly. jefferson couldn’t have humiliated hamilton more in that moment if he tried. while washington was _right there,_ too. what a nightmare. 


	27. "guns and ships" and hamilton/washington (wordcount: 279)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked:
> 
> sometimes i think i'm over wham and then i hear the way george sings "alexander hamilton.." in guns& ships and i'm like... nvm
> 
> original post date: october 14th, 2019

let’s talk about _guns and ships_ for a second because we rarely do. first, the way gw sings aham’s name. not just “alexander hamilton” but the drawn-out _“alexander”_ at the end. the fact that he’s literally serenading hamilton into coming back, there’s honestly no other word for what he’s doing. and it _works._ because we can read the serenade as a reflection of what the letter is, hamilton is reading it as gw is singing, and it _works._ the thought of what it must have meant to hamilton to get _that_ letter, from _that_ man, to have it down in paper and ink that he’s wanted, needed, valued – i don’t think we can underestimate the impact. 

and like. obc staging. _obc staging._ when lafayette says gw needs to put thought into his letter _gwash has already written it._ he hands lafayette an already sealed letter – he was going to call alex back even before lafayette advised him to. we know he thought about it, because of that weary “i know”, but the fact that he’s already written out the letter, already committed to the decision – how soon did he realize he made a mistake? how long has that letter been sitting there? i wonder if hamilton ever knew that part? think about how much it would mean to him if he _knew._

also: the fact that at the end of _guns and ships_ alex is directly across the stage from gw, back to the audience! all the palpable tension when alex finally turns to face him across the stage, the way it recalls _meet me inside_ when their faces were a hair’s breadth from each other! 


	28. on "hurricane" (wordcount: 250)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo-let-me-get-a-milkyway asked:
> 
> Whenever I hear Hurricane I think of you. The amount of symbolism in that song..
> 
> original post date: november 3rd, 2019

in a lot of ways it’s the foundation for alex as i read and write him. it’s a heartbreaking song, both in content and in context – it’s the clearest description we ever get from him of the absolute trauma of his early life (and even then, it’s so brief, so much of it is symbolism and subtext), and he makes some truly horrible choices in and after this moment, but it’s so clear _why_ he makes those calls and _why_ he thinks there’s no other way. that “wait for it” echoing in the background is tragic because he _can’t_ and he’s telling us why – this entire song is about how he needs to keep moving or else he’ll be crushed. he doesn’t know any other means of survival. 

i don’t touch act two as a general rule, and the worst part of this song for me is that for a moment we see hamilton as he was in act one – we see that determined, terrified kid who came off the boat in the first song, we get more context on what he’d been through and why status and legacy and glory meant so _much._ from the first moment he opened his mouth he’s been a force of nature and this is the moment where it finally turns on him – he never let go of that whirlwind of a kid, even after he had everything he should have wanted, he can’t let go and it destroys him. 


	29. on hamilton's death wish (wordcount: 291)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked:
> 
> Can you talk about Hamilton wanting to die? In what way? You mentioned it in the Burr ask
> 
> original post date: november 14th, 2019

i mean, what else could we call the duel with burr? hamilton doesn’t even try to take the shot. it’s suicide by proxy. he sees all the people he loves who have gone before him, he sees eliza who’s still alive, and he makes a choice to say goodbye to her and let go, to stop running from this specter that he feels has been looming over him since he was a child. in _hurricane_ he keeps saying he _couldn’t_ die, like it was something outside of his power even if he wanted it – in _the world was wide enough,_ that changes: “i’m running and my time’s up / wise up / eyes up.” not “look him in the eye” like burr says, like he’s supposed to do. eyes up – to the sky, where he aims his gun. he makes a choice to die. 

the _why_ is hard to parse – i’ve thought about it a lot and i think there’s something to do with philip there, i don’t think hamilton ever gets over the fact that he got his son killed, because how _can_ he? and honestly? i think he’s tired. i think he’s been struggling against death for a long time and this moment is when he realizes he doesn’t want to do it anymore. it’s horrible and tragic and it’s one of many reasons i can never listen to that song – but i do think it’s a choice he makes, and not a horrible accident. and it would have to be, wouldn’t it – nothing else has managed to kill him until now, of course death can only catch him when he makes a conscious decision to stop, to wait, to let it find him. 


	30. thoughts on what would be enough [for hamilton]  (wordcount: 108)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: november 15th, 2019

you ever just sit consumed by the magnitude of eliza’s “what would be enough?” in _non-stop?_ even though it’s such a brief moment in the song that almost gets lost in the build-up?do you ever think about how that’s the central question of hamilton’s character and we never actually get an answer? 

because in _satisfied_ angelica argues it’s not possible, _hamilton himself_ says he’s never satisfied, but like – _existentially,_ what would be enough? what fills the void? hamilton clearly doesn’t know the answer but there _has_ to be an answer and the fact that he dies and the narrative ends without that closure is just brutal. 


	31. on "non-stop" (wordcount: 82)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: november 15th, 2019

while i’m pouring over minor details in _non-stop:_ that moment at the very end of the song where hamilton says “i am –” right before the chorus sings his name back to him, and he sounds not just passionate but _angry,_ and it’s this assertion of self that’s just so _him._ everyone singing _about_ him or _over_ him and he can’t have that. this is his big moment and he’s goingto _make_ room for himself, fuck you, this is his show. 


	32. on "meet me inside" (#6) (wordcount: 322)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo-let-me-get-a-milkyway asked:
> 
> Okay but,, Meet Me Inside,,, Alex standing in place while Washington is moving around him lecturing him,, and then Alex finally snapping about getting his battalion. And then he finally ends it by yelling in Washington's face. God. The stage movement of the song really portrays how they're feeling and its driving me insane. God bless Tommy Kail.
> 
> original post date: december 31st, 2019

inspired by [this gifset](https://icarusandtheson.tumblr.com/post/187014670332/where-our-stories-start-doing-this-scene-with), my tags on which basically echo what you’re saying here: #god. still. it gets to me STILL. #the way hamilton tries to hold himself still and respectful but he CANT #not with washington literally circling him. #8th gif. EIGHTH. GIF. ALEX DROPPING HIS GAZE WHEN HE REALIZES WHAT HE’S DONE IN THE NINTH!!! #okay but is it just me or: sixth gif gw squeezes his eyes shut out of exasperation/worry/whatever? i never noticed that before #god. this SCENE. these TWO.

i just…. can’t handle any of it, not a single moment. the fact that hamilton breaches the space and gets in washington’s face, the fact that washington doesn’t _react._ washington literally circling hamilton in a way that _should_ convey a threat but _doesn’t_ because the whole point of contention is that washington wants to protect hamilton _too much._ and hamilton so clearly hates it – the proximity, the lecturing, everything it symbolizes. and he _tries._

he tries _so hard_ to be good for washington and it kills me – he stands still and proper and tries to be reasonable, but he can’t, because he _did this for washington,_ for his approval and his trust and his – affection? affection. maybe. he doesn’t know, he _clearly_ doesn’t know what he wanted to get out of this because he changes the subject constantly, shifts the argument away from the fact that he would have seen a man killed for washington’s honor and yet he _still_ comes back to the heart of it in the end. screams “don’t call me son” at the man whose legacy he cares about more than his own, shows his hand, and it’s nothing like he wanted. no approval, no praise, no understanding. just washington’s face carved from stone and the sinking feeling in his own chest. 

god. every moment of it is full of tension and regret and things unsaid and it is viscerally affecting and so hard to watch. 


	33. on "right hand man" (wordcount: 136)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: january 4th, 2020

sometimes i think about how in _right hand man_ gwash has a whole verse where he complains that people are wasting valuable time aggrandizing him and complimenting how he looks and speaks and it remains one of the single funniest moments for me, _especially_ considering the high-stakes tension of the song. 

like, everyone and their mother is on this hero-worship shit and going on about how attractive he is and how nice he talks about he’s so _completely_ over it. (on a less joke-y note, i wonder if this is part of the reason why he likes hamilton right away. hamilton talks back (to an extent) rather than being a useless sycophant and he cares about the war effort more than anything. he’s as awestruck by washington as anyone, but like hell is he admitting it). 


	34. on "take a break" (wordcount: 145)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: january 14th, 2020

_why is hamilton doing this. why doesn’t he leave._ does he honestly think washington wouldn’t get it? george “go the fuck home before you die and make your pregnant wife a widow” washington wouldn’t understand that he needs a summer to be with his family? 

like. it’s hamilton’s own wants and ambitions that get in his own way and none of it seems to make him _happy,_ which is the insane part to me. what is he doing? why is he doing it, why can’t he stop? it’s like he’s realizing getting everything he wanted (the status, the family that shores up the status, the job, the recognition and all its pressures) isn’t _actually what he wanted._ and he just keeps digging that hole because the alternative is to admit he was wrong. he made a mistake, somewhere, and it’s too late to save himself. 


	35. on "congratulations"/"first burn" (wordcount: 146)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: january 15th, 2020

anyway We Don’t Talk About Act Two, Ever, and We Don’t (Generally) Talk About the Cut Songs/Demos, but since hearing _congratulations_ and _first burn_ i haven’t been able to forget “so scared of what your enemies will do to you / you’re the only enemy you ever seem to lose to” and “heaven forbid someone whispers “he’s part of some scheme” / your enemy whispers so you have to scream”. 

just. that’s _it,_ y’know? we so rarely see hamilton cut down to his bare essentials this masterfully. he’s so afraid, under all the bravado and the intellect he wields like a weapon. he’s afraid and he’s insecure and both these lyrics cut him down to how small he’s terrified to feel (so fill the space, forcibly insert yourself into the space, just don’t be small and just don’t be quiet or else it’s over, you’re forgotten). 


	36. alexander, angelica, and "the reynolds pamphlet" (wordcount: 255)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: january 15th, 2020

i think a lot about how, in _the reynolds pamphlet,_ hamilton’s first response to angelica’s appearance is “thank god, someone who understands”. like, it’s easy to be completely awestruck over how badly hamilton reads the situation, how could he _possibly_ assume angelica came for his sake, easy to write him off as egocentric and arrogant _especially_ in this song, where he’s at his most unlikable – but what this misreading implies is so fascinating to me. 

because he thinks angelica is here for _him._ he assumes his actions will translate, that she’ll know that being accused of abusing his office was so much worse than being known for an affair. and, more interestingly to me, _there’s the implicit assumption angelica will side with him over eliza._ and angelica seems to know he’s thinking this, hence “i’m not here for you”. yeah, it’s stupid, it’s _really stupid,_ but it’s interesting to me that he… doesn’t understand family ties and loyalty well at all? not only marital ties, but family ties full stop. 

logic dictates corruption is worse than adultery, therefore he did the right thing – angelica is brilliant, angelica is his kindred spirit, _angelica_ will understand that it was for the greater good. he doesn’t – understand? he _really doesn’t understand what he’s done._ like, _take a break_ kind of shows us that family as a concept seems to continually elude him, but this song really emphasizes for me that he Does Not Get it, At All. and it’s what ruins him in the end. 


	37. on "alexander hamilton", hamilton, and washington (wordcount: 302)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo-let-me-get-a-milkyway asked:
> 
> One thing I LOVE about the opening song for Ham is Washington's set of lines. He sings about his cousin, but this is where Alex starts realizing that he actually wants MORE and actually starts "reading every treatise on his shelf". And Washington is singing that??? And it makes me feEL LIKE SOMETHING because Washington is the one to set Alex's life into pace, appoints him as aide de camp, and the music quickens and Leslie Odom picks up with this faster tempo and gAH, it's narrow foreshadowing.
> 
> original post date: january 27th, 2020

aside from burr-the-narrator, washington and eliza are the only ones who sing about alex’s childhood. like… what else can i even say about that, y’know?

i don’t think it’s an accident that gwash sings “left him with nothin’ but ruined pride, something new inside / a voice saying “alex, you gotta fend for yourself.”” that line is _so central_ to understanding hamilton as a character. that’s _it_ that’s his center, the good and the bad of it. hamilton can’t trust anyone. this is _why_ hamilton can’t trust anyone. and it is _crucial_ that we get his information from the man who describes his relationship with hamilton as one of trust, and who we later learn than hamilton trusts in return, as much as he’s capable of trusting anyone. i think this line is severely underappreciated and underanalyzed – that’s the crux of hamilton’s character! and we get it from washington. 

i just think a lot about how washington understands hamilton in a way few other characters manage to get at. none of the characters are _in_ character here, necessarily, and yet – this line wouldn’t be out of character for washington at all, we know he can read hamilton with startling clarity. the only difference is that washington probably never got the context of hamilton’s tragic childhood – and isn’t _that_ a thought, i highly doubt _meet me inside_ would have gone as it did with that information on the table. 

and like the truly fascinating thing for me is that washington is sort of hamilton’s introduction to the fact that he _doesn’t_ have to fend for himself. washington’s favor opens a lot of doors for him, and he resents that, clearly, but… it’s something. it’s _someone,_ willing to take a risk on him in a way no one ever did before. 


	38. line analysis: "and even now i lie awake knowing history has its eyes on me" (wordcount: 289)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked:
> 
> Which Washington line do you like the most from the musical? I personally always get chills from 'My name's been through a lot, I can take it' and I don't even know why
> 
> original post date: february 16th, 2020

“and even now i lie awake knowing history has its eyes on me” – particularly, chills on “and even now i lie awake”. because that’s the closest we ever get to washington’s inner life, everything else we get is perceived through hamilton, who despite his loyalty and devotion never quite learns how to read washington. _history has its eyes on you_ is the moment we see the trust between washington and hamilton, it’s washington’s big moment of vulnerability – and we see that in this line. 

there’s something that gets me every single time about the image of washington lying in bed at night staring into the dark, weighing his failures and his accomplishments and hoping it’s enough in the end, knowing there’s no way he can know. before i knew how much i was going to love this character, this line tugged at something in me, it made me feel for him. when’s the last time he slept through the night, when’s the last time the weight of the world wasn’t on his shoulders? and he admits this to hamilton. hamilton, who he trusted from the start to see him clearly, who he has always, above all, wanted to see him clearly.

honorable mention to “i am not a maiden in need of defending, i am grown”, and i feel similarly about the lyric you mention – it frustrates me as much as it fascinates me, because _he was so close to understanding._ yes, hamilton is doing the knight in shining armor routine, yes, it’s weird that hamilton’s this heated about a slight against washington’s name when washington himself doesn’t care - just push that logic a little further, just ask _why_ – but of course he doesn’t. 


	39. on "dear theodosia" (wordcount: 321)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> setgendertono replied to your post: 
> 
> oh word,,,,this is way better than what i had also i’ve never seen meta for DT but that’s so true???? you’re a genius
> 
> original post date: february 24th, 2020

i’m obsessed with _dear theodosia._ mainly because aham is actively lying to himself the entire time. or – maybe he wants to believe what he’s saying. but he knows. he knows already what his priorities are. he leaves in _non-stop_ the moment he’s heard gw’s offer. before, actually. he finishes the thought and agrees even while washington is offering him an out to stay with his family. 

and just. the fact that burr pivots on making mistakes, and knowing he’s fallible as a parent, and hamilton pivots on doing whatever it takes. it’s so grandiose, and so not specific, and so not what a newborn child needs. it’s like – a performance? it’s like he’s performing what he thinks fatherhood should be. as the inverse of james. he’s going to stay, he’s going to do everything to make sure this kid has everything – philip is never going to be cold or hungry or alone. aham will provide. but that’s where he seems to stop. this isn’t even me making shit up, philip has to basically beg for attention in _take a break_ on his own birthday. it’s awful. it’s actually the most awful unlikable moment and nobody talks much about it. from the orphan boy who wanted love and attention? it is _horrific._ and it tells me that everything he says in _dear theodosia_ is wishful thinking at best. 

i think he wants to be and do what he says. but i don’t think he knows how to follow through. i think he assumes having eliza there will be enough for philip emotionally, as long as he provides. all the love he knows is what he got from his mother, and i genuinely think he doesn’t know how to put that to use here. philip has a mother, an incredible mother. so hamilton checks out, emotionally. and of course it’s what kills philip, and of course the guilt kills him. 


	40. line analysis: "i am more than willing to die" (wordcount: 443)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rominatrix asked:
> 
> "i'm more than willing to die" - what also kills me about that epitome aham line is the way that he says it, proudly, defiantly and to none other than GW. Like it's some inner monologue that he surely had so many times, it's a wish so normalized within himself, that when he spats it towards GW, it's like giving away something so intimate - i mean gw knows that the boy's got this dead wish in the way he asks and fights but to the end of "glory" - but to let it out as if he's nothing, that hurts.
> 
> original post date: february 26th, 2020

what destroys me is that he spits it out in response to washington’s “or you could die”. as if… washington is accusing him of something? of not being dedicated enough to the cause, or of some kind of weakness – and of course it’s not that, it’s washington voicing this very urgent concern that he’s had from the moment they met. “dying is easy, living is harder” – and he’s trying to help hamilton live. he is, in fact, the only thing standing between hamilton and that end. and hamilton reacts to that with offense. it’s an insane argument that they’re having, when you boil it down to essentials – “don’t die” “fuck you i’ll die if i want to”. 

and you’re right. this is hamilton at his rawest, his most honest. he’s ready to die. he wants it on some level. and washington has to remind him that he has meaning outside of this role – the fact that it’s washington who has to remind him that he’s _married and his wife needs him_ is crazy to me. sure, later on in _yorktown_ he’ll be on the edge again and remember eliza and their child and reorient himself for a moment – but here he needs to be reminded. and it doesn’t even work – hamilton doesn’t acknowledge washington’s comment about eliza (and doesn’t acknowledge eliza herself until washington sends him home and forces him to) and loses his shit about the “son” comment. about washington expressing care. the why is always up for debate, but – i think he’s scared? i think washington’s regard means everything to him and i think hearing someone he is so in awe of tell him “you have value, you need to live for me” is too much on too many levels. so he defaults to anger.

i think it’s a big part of the reason washington tries to get him away from the war. he’s always been aware of hamilton’s martyr complex but i don’t think he realized until this moment that hamilton is legitimately, actively self-destructive in a way that will put him in danger no matter what washington does. it’s why _history has its eyes on you_ has so much meaning to me – washington is still trying. he’s trying harder than ever before. he changes tactics here, appeals to alex’s desire for legacy and honor and his need to please – not “you need to live for me” but “you need to win for me”. and it works. hamilton doesn’t get himself killed. but it doesn’t solve the underlying issue, and once washington is out of the picture, all hell breaks loose. 


	41. on the "i have this friend" demo (wordcount: 229)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked:
> 
> How are we coping with all of this?!?!
> 
> original post date: march 12th, 2020

we’re not!!!! we are not coping with gw gently playing along with hamilton’s juvenile “not me!!! my friend, not me!!!” game. we are not coping with the gentle “alright” and “calm down”. we are not coping with hamilton’s vehemence that he never broke the law of this country they fought for and built together. we are not coping with “you’re my friend” or gw once again having to remind hamilton that other people, i.e. his own goddamn family, have feelings that need to be considered. 

we’re not coping with hamilton so clearly wanting gw’s help and comfort while still too ashamed to be frank with him about what’s going on. with how much hamilton still craves his approval even when his life is crumbling, perhaps especially because of that. listen, i get why it was cut early on, everything here is implied elsewhere in other songs, it’s superfluous, and i think it’s much more in-line with hamilton’s character for him to be utterly unable to bring this up to washington at all, to have him haunting hamilton’s psyche the way he does in _hurricane,_ but it is so…. so very much. to have it all laid out this plainly. weirdly validating, weirdly a suckerpunch. 

also: two straight minutes of hamilton’s emotional immaturity reaching headache-inducing proportions while gw just lets it happen despite never suffering fools elsewhere. cool. i’m fine.


	42. washington, hamilton, and gaps in the narrative (wordcount: 354)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rominatrix asked:
> 
> I'm always thinking about the unsung parts. Alex and George once Alex comes backs to him ... i just wonder how their relationship goes from the first moment they reunite to them parting ways again... and then Washington needing him and wanting him again. I'm constantly craving to know more about those moments of them alone. The first time, their last time, the moments when Alex is more vulnerable, when George is and only Alex is allowed to know.
> 
> original post date: april 18th, 2020

i’m of two minds on this. on the one hand: i love what we do get. i love that it’s a dynamic that we get brief but intense glimpses of, and that we have to put in the work to understand what hamilton and washington meant to each other. it’s not easy, but it’s gratifying once you get down to it. on the other hand: it’s not nearly enough. and of course i feel that way, there would be no reason to think or write about them if i thought it was all said and done. 

i think – it’s very on-theme that there are these massive gaps. part of it, obviously, is that any story can only show so much, but in this case the pressure of the form lends itself well to the story it’s telling. i’m fascinated that we don’t get washington’s direct reaction after _meet me inside,_ i’m fascinated that we don’t get any in-between moments, or if we do they’ve quickly glanced over (i’m thinking of hamilton despairing about not getting a command, the countless conversations compressed into one line). we know, by this point, that i read too much into everything, but: it’s interesting to me that these men, both of whom will keep certain things, certain vulnerabilities, close to their chests, don’t give us much by way of interactions with each other. it’s a private thing. 

and i think that’s sort of the point, when you consider this is a relationship that’s framed as one of trust. there are things that were said and done that an audience isn’t privy to, and that’s the point – it stays between them. a lot has been said on the well-worn intimacy of _one last time_ but what fascinates me about that song is that it suggests the existence of countless other little moments that built them to this kind of familiarity. i really love the ostensible simplicity of what we get, i love that there’s just enough to put together an outline of what their dynamic is like without compromising that trust, that security, by showing us too much. 


	43. hamilton and "a winter's ball" vs. "hurricane" (wordcount: 247)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: april 20th, 2020

thinking today about how, in _hurricane,_ hamilton says he “wrote eliza love letters until she fell” and the implications of this reframing – because it _is_ a reframing. we know eliza is the one who claimed him, there’s an entire song about her claiming him, and another about angelica relinquishing her “i saw him first” claim on him. hamilton’s letters are appreciated, but it’s not as if they’re what turns the tide of eliza’s affections. she’s already chosen him. 

just. interested in the fact that hamilton feels the need to position himself as the active/pursuing agent here. maybe he genuinely believes it – and if that’s the case, that misreading is interesting, too. of course, he wasn’t necessarily in earshot for eliza’s “this one’s mine!” but he _was_ there for angelica literally leading him to eliza, who clearly did not require much, if any, pursuing. and yet in _hurricane,_ where he has nobody to convince but himself, he frames himself as the pursuer. 

and i mean, always interested in _a winter’s ball_ and how that sets up the version of hamilton he seems to later reference in _hurricane,_ but we’ve already established that’s not quite right. “reliable with the ladies", “is it a question of if … or which one?” – meanwhile he’s not the one who determines _which one_ at all. there’s so much that doesn’t add up exactly, and i don’t necessarily have a point to conclude on, just that these little slips interest me. 


	44. on "alexander hamilton", rachel faucette, and james hamilton [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 236)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here begins my meta on moments from the hamilfilm. 
> 
> original post date: june 24th, 2020

so i can’t stop thinking about the ensemble dancers as the memory of hamilton’s parents, and how he reacts to james pulling away from rachel so sharply. and then am thinking about hamilton himself pulling away from both angelica and eliza in _non-stop_ – not identical to james’ outright abandonment, but it’s an echo.similar in carelessness and selfishness, maybe. and what amounts, basically, to him promising philip that he will never be james hamilton in _dear theodosia._ and how not paying enough attention and value to his family is what sets all his biggest tragedies in motion. 

and maybe something about eliza pulling away from him over their son’s body as the inverse of the pulling away done before, and realization of consequences, and this endless theme of couples pulling away from each other – in that moment hamilton realizes what he’s done, yes, but i think he also looks at himself clearly, eliza’s grief and anger a mirror, and is so horribly familiar with what he sees. 

just. thinking about hamilton and desperately trying to be something else, something new, and not quite managing it, and wanting family but not knowing how to hold it, and – it didn’t have to be this. it didn’t have to be like this, which is i think the most tragic part. hamilton didn’t want it to be like this, but somewhere along the way he got lost.


	45. right hand man vs. one last time [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 201)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked:
> 
> i just have to get this out ---- the contrast between the first time gw hands alex the quill (right hand man) vs the last time (one last time) broke me. i -
> 
> original post date: july 4th, 2020

just – the difference between hamilton eagerly grabbing it during rhm, so keenly aware that this is his chance, and the fact that he has to be coaxed into it in olt. washington’s gentle nod after hamilton’s very soft, barely audible, “one last time?” as he encourages him to take the quill. the honor of being asked to help washington craft his final address isn’t anywhere in his head, he doesn’t want him to leave. 

and just – the reminder, of it. the fact that hamilton’s “one last time?” is more than a repetition. it’s “this is the last time you’ll hand me a pen and ask something of me, isn’t it?” it’s “this is the last time you’ll need me” it’s “this is the last time” full stop. and it is agonizing to watch. the very beginning and very end of their time together. it’s poetic. it’s horrible. it is probably the most closure he’s ever had in terms of being left by someone he’s cared for, but that doesn’t seem to make it hurt all that much less. at least washington said goodbye, though. at least he seemed aware of at least some of the loss hamilton felt. 


	46. on "right hand man" #2 [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 202)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http-tiredwhims asked:
> 
> There's zero eye contact between Burr and Washington during Right Hand Man. But he immediately looks at Alexander and that made me feel some type of way
> 
> original post date: july 4th, 2020

just the fact that washington does not even remotely care about what burr is saying and barely looks at him until he says he has a suggestion – and even then it’s so disinterested. then hamilton comes in he’s immediately engaged and interested in what he has to say even though he has to practically drag the answers out of him. it makes me wonder if alex has ever had someone so keenly interested in what he has to say in his entire adult life. 

i think a lot about how washington is the first person to see hamilton’s worth and really understand his flaws all in one go. hamilton’s friends pick up on the fact that he’s smart, yes, but washington looks and him and thinks: smart, death wish, proud, hungry. and immediately knows how to work with it, immediately contradicts hamilton’s assumption that his only worth is on the battlefield as cannon fodder.

and like – the thing with burr sets up fairly clearly the fact that washington does not suffer fools. hamilton repeatedly acts up and out and makes a whole ass of himself but it’s never the final straw, and i think that’s really interesting to think about. 


	47. on "one last time" [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 251)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http-tiredwhims asked:
> 
> One??? Last??? Time??? Chris is such a good fucking actor. The tears in his eyes, the fact that he basically dies in that song and the only time we see him again not in plain clothes is during the Reynolds pamphlet. I just... what the fuck.
> 
> original post date: july 4th, 2020

i love that we see so much genuine emotion from washington. i love that you feel genuine grief – it does feel like a funeral, it does feel final. but can we just take a moment to talk about _washington reaching out to hamilton on that “you and i”._ i’ve talked a bit about the strange placement of “you and i / going home” and i just. that outstretched hand really did not help my emotions in the least. 

just. the end of it. tears in the eyes. heaving chest. i feel a lot. i ache a lot. 

the reynolds pamphlet moment continues to haunt me. is washington there? is this his ghost? _the fact that hamilton cannot bear to remain there while washington stares him down._ and turns away immediately even though the last time they were on stage together he so desperately didn’t want to let him go. someone pointed out to me that after _the reynolds pamphlet_ washington is very often up on the scaffolding watching in the dark until he comes down in _the world was wide enough_ , and i truly don’t even know what to say about that. legitimately, i don’t know how to even begin to unpack that.

some other small things about olt: the fact that hamilton downs another drink to cope with the reality of this. the fact that he looks near tears the entire time he’s drafting the address. the way his expression crumples when he’s off to the side with eliza. 


	48. on "meet me inside" (#7) [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 251)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http-tiredwhims asked:
> 
> Meet Me Inside. Alexander immediately backs down after yelling in Georges face but that's irrelevant okay because when George made a point of saying "IM GROWN" and that killed me
> 
> original post date: july 4th, 2020

the added/angrier emphasis on “i am _grown”_ was really interesting. i prefer the thought of washington largely keeping a cooler head while hamilton loses his shit, but the emphasis implies some things: “i’m grown and you’re clearly not if you’re doing this” but also the fact that he has to shout it over hamilton’s argument, this idea of hamilton being able to so completely break washington’s composure. 

and listen. the step back is _not_ irrelevant, that is _pivotal._ that step back is hamilton’s regret, that is hamilton anticipating consequences for his big mouth, that is hamilton expecting to get hit and i will not be told otherwise. and washington’s expression after that. his stillness. i think he realizes in this moment that there is more wrong here than he can possibly hope to fix in the middle of a war. so he sends alex home. i’ve analyzed this scene a thousand times before yesterday and i’m intrigued in this version by how washington steps back when hamilton steps forward on “sir”. i like the idea of washington holding his ground more, but this is… fascinating. especially if you read hamilton’s step back as a kind of flinch, a bracing. 

also loved washington’s clear confusion and mouthed “what?” when hamilton started going on about not having his names/titles/land. i’ve talked before about how hamilton is arguing on way more levels than washington is, and i enjoyed seeing that reflected in this moment. i loved washington’s “no” being less angry and more afraid. 


	49. on "one last time" (#2) [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 92)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http-tiredwhims asked:
> 
> I also noticed George on the scaffolding and listen- I'm not okay about it. I'm not okay with ANY of this. And you can see Alexander mouthing the words to the letter when George does and hnnnng. I've never felt more disrespected by a piece of cinema in my life
> 
> original post date: july 4th, 2020

yeah, i don’t… know what to do with that. that constant watching, waiting. the way he’s haunting the stage, similarly to how you could imagine he’s haunting hamilton’s thoughts, always on the edges as hamilton’s life starts to crumble apart. it’s just… it’s a lot to think about. 

you ever think about how that’s the only time in the show we see hamilton sharing his words in that way? washington speaks with him/through him and it’s this moment of collaboration and understanding that isn’t seen elsewhere in hamilton’s interactions with other characters. 


	50. on "helpless" [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 217)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: july 4th, 2020

so obviously line delivery can vary, and the staging one has in one’s head isn’t necessarily going to be reflected on stage, but: anybody else really interested in how, in _helpless,_ “my life’s gonna be fine ‘cause eliza’s in it” and “i look into your eyes and the sky’s the limit” aren’t said with hamilton and eliza facing each other? the former is said while hamilton is with washington, showing him the ring, and the latter is said after eliza has her veil placed – in fact, she’s behind hamilton, who walks around to the back of the stage with washington. 

i always assumed, partly due to the “look into your eyes” line, that they were facing each other. that this was a declaration/promise they make to each other. and it still is, but the staging is… interesting. we know, obviously, that hamilton breaks all his promises over the course of the marriage, and eliza could never have expected all the trials she’ll face as his wife. with that in mind i wonder if this disconnect between lyric and staging is intentional. i wonder if there’s something there about liking the idea of a marriage but being too young and unprepared to consider what it means to make that kind of promise – especially on hamilton’s part. 


	51. on "satisfied" and toxic masculinity [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 484)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: july 5th, 2020
> 
> special thanks once again to the hamilfilm for physically representing alex's toxic masculinity. what i would have given for that knowledge while writing "i have never been satisfied".

okay. bear with me. fully aware i am the only real intended audience of this post but then again when am i not. 

are we just not gonna comment on the all-male grouping that alex falls in line with, moves with/is moved by, in _satisfied?_ when they turn him to eliza like a little chess piece, or like a toy? i’ve talked a lot about how hamilton’s conception of masculinity is damaging and gets him into so much trouble, and here… he is literally moved and turned _by_ masculinity. it’s a force that grabs him and moves him without any real input from him, he goes where he’s placed by expectation. his, and others’ – it’s worth noting that this choreography is happening as angelica explains that hamilton is “after” her for elevated (financial and social) status. hamilton’s movements aren’t wholly his own, and the ensemble (plus laurens and burr, which is doubly interesting considering they’re the ones he’s posturing with in _a winter’s ball_ ) are the physical embodiment of the pressure he feels to embody a certain type of masculinity. find the pretty rich girl and marry her. (also something interesting about how angelica says her “only job is to marry rich”, while hamilton is in the exact same position, but that’s for another post). 

and i think it’s so key that this happens in _satisfied_ of all places, because we know angelica reads hamilton from the start. this is hamilton being stripped down to his most basic, naked motivations and ambitions. and we see the metaphorical puppet strings for what they are, we see how he’s moved by them. 

also interesting to me: washington and burr are speaking right before burr joins the lineup. burr steps away from him to join, washington looks at him, and then walks off. one could argue he already has a name for himself and thus he doesn’t need to be held by the same restrictions, but i think that would be a superficial way of looking at it. i’ve written before about washington and masculinity and how he acts differently/seems to subscribe to a very different value system from what hamilton sees/performs masculinity as (their arguments in act one all have elements of this, hamilton’s ideas of fighting/martyrdom, honor/respect, and focus on material legacy clash with washington placing heavy importance on his life, on the value of his intellect, on his importance to his family, etc.) and i genuinely believe we can read this as a disinterest, a rejection, of this kind of behavior/way of being on washington’s part. 

a small note, sort of circling my thoughts here: hamilton and the whole lineup do the coat adjustment habit of hamilton’s i mentioned in an earlier post, that i hypothesized was about feeling uneasy/unfit in one’s clothes/skin. if the lineup is toxic masculinity personified, that kind of posturing that doubles as self-conscious reflection fits in quite neatly. 


	52. on "daddy's calling" (#2) [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount:160)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: july 6th, 2020

can’t stop thinking about the implications of washington hearing “daddy’s calling” and his reaction being a complete non-reaction. stillness. a little movement of the head, the mouth. something that is hardly noticeable – something that hamilton won’t notice, as he’s storming off. it feels purposeful, not just in the sense of washington keeping his emotions in check but also in the sense of active concealment. because he has to be thinking that the last time him and hamilton circled this topic, it didn’t end well.

if washington heard then he has to be thinking of their argument all that time ago, doesn’t he? has to be thinking about hamilton screaming “call me son one more time!” in his face with his voice cracking down the middle. so. a non-reaction. no commentary, nothing that hamilton could hear, or notice, or take issue with. just stillness. just silence. let it go, leave it be, and save them both another argument, another heartbreak.


	53. on rachel's legacy [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 109)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: july 6th, 2020
> 
> for context and further reading, see "Bastard, orphan, son of [redacted]".

listen, i’m not saying that hamilton’s voice breaking on “i’ll never forget my mother’s face that was real” and then on “call me son one more time” and then on “we were sick and she was holding me” can be read together, or that the pain/loss/misery in hamilton’s explanation after washington sends him home calls forward to the absolute devastation on his face when he recalls his mother’s loss in _hurricane,_ or that all these things prove my thesis that hamilton’s absolute refusal of washington’s affection was never about james hamilton/reluctance to take up a father figure at all –

no actually i am completely saying all of that. 


	54. on hamilton's intensity in speech [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 168)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: july 6th, 2020

can i just say that i really love the strange inflection hamilton’s voice takes on sometimes. i noticed it especially on “i’m not stupid” in _aaron burr, sir,_ and the “yes” with which he responds to washington reading his martyr complex. just this almost flat, incredibly intense way of speaking, with this expression scrubbed clean of anything but ambition/want/intensity. i’ve always thought of him as someone who has a hard time knowing how to be a person, in the way other people sort of just seem to know, and i really appreciated these small glimpses. because they’re weird. he’s weird. 

and in _aaron burr, sir,_ the sort of resigned familiarity with which he greets burr’s advice to smile more, that little mirthless “ha” and glance down, like he’s been told all too often in the past that he’s too loud and too much to move through the world normally. so he doesn’t move through the world normally, he makes his own way and does it loudly and intensely. 


	55. on "meet me inside" (#8) [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 192)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: july 7th, 2020

so like. hundredth rewatch of _meet me inside,_ and just. noticing how washington says “son” the first two times. the last, “son, i need you alive”, flows more or less as a complete thought. the first two, though, stand on their own, and only partly because hamilton interrupts both times. it’s like a whole thought, “son” having enough meaning and weight to carry itself. i don’t necessarily have a point here except that i was struck by just – the way washington holds the word in his mouth. careful, concerned, a lot softer than one might expect given the situation. in fact, he’s surprisingly measured for the first couple of lines, doesn’t start out yelling by any stretch.

just – i don’t think the comparative gentleness hit me until now. i can see how hamilton could lose his composure in the face of it. it doesn’t just feel like a throwaway placeholder for a name, it feels meaningful. and that must be terrifying for him. there’s something really perfectly matched in the way washington says “son” and the way hamilton’s voice breaks at the end of his shouting that i can’t describe. 


	56. on "right hand man" (#3) [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 119)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: july 11, 2020

you ever think about how in _right hand man_ once hamilton accepts washington’s offer, he comes around to stand behind washington’s desk when he starts to formulate a plan? and how washington stands a little to the side and lets him do it without an ounce of surprise or censure?

you ever think about trust, and washington’s absolute willingness from the start to let believe in hamilton’s process and let him into his space, and how hamilton has been grasping for status for so long and has been denied it for so long only to end up here? you ever think about how washington offers all of this without hesitation and his only hard rule is _don’t fight/don’t die_?


	57. on washington/hamilton and echoes [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 162)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: july 12th, 2020

thinking about echoes. thinking about how gw is the one to describe the awakening of hamilton’s survival instinct when he’s the character who will later wrestle with him about the value of his life, the importance of him staying alive. 

thinking about how the set-up of the first song has the ripples of that relationship, thinking about wanting someone to live so fervently, caring for them so intensely, that it almost seems like it can reverberate backwards in time. “stay alive now so you can make it here, if you hang on there will be something to hang on for”. 

thinking about wanting love and belonging, thinking about hamilton sitting in the memories of his loss and loneliness and washington standing there echoing his innermost thoughts. thinking about how it’s clinging to that sense of “fend for yourself” that limits hamilton’s ability to let anyone in, including washington, and yet. ripples. the way they always, always come back to circling each other. 


	58. on the transition between "guns and ships" and "history has its eyes on you" [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 158)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: july 18th, 2020

embarrassing that it’s taken me this long to get to it but: gw’s expression in the moments of transition between _guns and ships_ and _history has its eyes on you,_ right after he sings hamilton’s name. eyes a little too bright, expression so incredibly pained. just, what _is_ that? regret for sending hamilton away, for how they ended things? concern for hamilton’s life now that he’s calling him back to the war, to battle? all of it? 

it recalls, for me, his expression the moment after hamilton screams at him in _meet me inside_ – but because he’s alone now, we see more of it than the still, stoic look. we see the regret and the pain and the worry and the uncertainty that has been there since that argument. it’s such a startling moment of vulnerability for washington and it’s in response to hamilton. how do you even begin to unpack that look and everything that’s unsaid? 


	59. right hand man vs. one last time (#2) [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 714)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked:
> 
> rewatched the musical and today and thinking about the contrast between the two times we see hamilton and washington separate in 'meet me inside' and 'one last time' - more specifically, ham's anger when he threatens "call me son one more time" and then his tentative "one last time"
> 
> original post date: august 3rd, 2020

what makes this comparison, and _one last time_ as a whole, so tragic is that hamilton wants the connection he railed against. and up until now, he’s been happy with the working relationship him and washington have, and he counts on that continuing – and then washington tells him he’s leaving, and hamilton doesn’t know what to do with himself. he argues, he downs two drinks in a row, and ultimately… that soft, quiet “one last time?”

and just. “one more time” versus “one _last_ time”.is the implication behind that remarkable similarity… “call me son one last time?” or, to expand on that, is this hamilton realizing that the relationship he has fought tooth and nail to keep purely professional and appropriately distanced is actually not what he wanted at all? is he realizing he wants washington to call him “son” and care about his well-being like he did before hamilton screamed at him to stop? and he _did_ stop – he never calls hamilton son again. he respects hamilton’s wishes completely in this and hamilton has no one to blame but himself if he feels like he’s lost the chance for that connection. though how could he accept it, how could he tolerate it when his past has been marked by so much loss, when he stills cries for his mother in _hurricane_ like the grief is fresh?

it’s intriguing to me that _meet me inside_ actually has a strikingly similar moment to that soft, tentative “one last time” – that soft “sir” right before washington’s final “go home”. but in _one last time_ washington responds with that very gentle nod, and hands hamilton the pen. it’s a drastically different reaction, and one that speaks to washington having learned from that last, disastrous argument. if washington’s mistake in _meet me inside_ is not realizing the depth of hamilton’s loyalty and devotion, here… he seems to get that he matters. or at least he understands enough to give hamilton forewarning – “a word of _warning”_ always gets me, he knows this is going to hurt – and give him time to process, to be gentle with him.

and what really makes me ache is that _one last time_ seems to prove hamilton’s fury/fear in mmi right. washington leaves, like everyone else. maybe it hurts less, because hamilton never allowed any further closeness. or maybe the unknown hurts more. maybe if he encouraged the affection, things would have been different. maybe this goodbye wouldn’t feel so final. i can’t prove hamilton is thinking these things, but i think he is. and maybe he’d be right to – maybe washington thinks hamilton will be fine without him, emotionally. how could he think otherwise, when hamilton refused any care so strongly? washington grasps hamilton’s loyalty but maybe, still, not his devotion. maybe he makes the tragic mistake of believing hamilton when he drew that line in the sand all that time ago. maybe if he knew, something would be different. 

it’s worth noting that washington at least says _goodbye._ look at _the world was wide enough:_ “teach me how to say goodbye”. washington is the only person in hamilton’s life who was able to/took the time to say goodbye to him, to at least try and staunch the pain of separation. he’s the first loss hamilton has the chance to process, even if it doesn’t seem to process it particularly well. he doesn’t know how to say goodbye, even at the very end, but he looks to washington in an attempt to figure out how. it’s worth mentioning that as far as we can see, hamilton doesn’t say goodbye to his loved ones. he’s too afraid. he does what was done to him and leaves without providing that closure. but that’s another story, about hamilton and the lessons he just can’t seem to learn. 

it comes to this: hamilton doesn’t know what he wants from washington, deep down. he just knows he wants to be at washington’s side, and to not be allowed to do that crushes him both times, in both acts. whatever else changes in his life, that remains constant, and he never seems able to communicate that to washington properly. in a story full of tragedies this is one that gets grievously overlooked.


	60. on hamilton and flirtation [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 163)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: august 6th, 2020
> 
> for further reading if interested, see "I have never been satisfied".

you ever wonder if it’s significant that hamilton’s moments of obvious flirtation – you know, when he’s not the one being pursued and then sort of just going with it – are… incredibly exaggerated? i’m talking about that slow tuck of the hair behind the ear at the waitress in _my shot_ and that really long, half-bent over, air-blown-out the cheeks, make-sure-everyone-sees look at the ensemble dancer’s backside in _a winter’s ball._

anybody ever wonder why it is these moments happen with lots of other characters, particularly other male characters, around? anybody ever think about how _my shot_ and _a winter’s ball_ are both, in their own ways, thematically songs about putting forward a version of the self that one wants the world to see? and then _a winter’s ball_ is immediately followed up by him being the passive game piece in two women deciding what they want despite the fact that he just said he was going to be the one deciding?


	61. on hamilton, washington, space, and comfort [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 267)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: august 9th, 2020

i’ve talked about _right hand man_ and how i found it fascinating that hamilton immediately went behind washington’s desk when he started working, that washington _allowed him_ into his space without question or hesitation, and today i noticed that in _one last time,_ there’s a similar moment – or maybe it would be more accurate to say there’s a development of that moment. 

at the beginning of the song, hamilton leans against washington’s desk, extremely casual, as he’s reading jefferson’s resignation letter. it gestures to both this sense of familiarity between the two characters, and also seems like a familiar, well-worn habit – hamilton settles immediately and easily, like he’s done it a thousand times before. like in _right hand man,_ the easy way washington allows hamilton into his space is worth noting, but here there’s an increased sense that hamilton feels comfortable here: in washington’s space, with washington. so many little moments in this song gesture to a well-worn relationship between them, but this comfort strikes me as particularly tragic, when we know that hamilton’s about to have the rug pulled out from under him. 

and i think washington has the same thought – right before hamilton settles, as he’s saying he’ll make jefferson pay, and right as washington says he needs a favor, washington’s expression is troubled, like he’s not sure how he’s going to phrase this. and the moment he does put it into words, hamilton stands, abandoning the relaxed position he just took up, and doesn’t take it up again. will never, _can_ never, because washington leaves and takes that comfort with him.


	62. on "meet me inside" (#9) [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 164)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: august 9th, 2020

today in scrutinizing every second of _meet me inside:_ directly after hamilton screams in washington’s face, he shakes his head. he does it twice that i can count, before washington tells him to go home. we see his absolutely wretched expression – again, before washington has even sent him home – and there’s something so simple and painful about the movement. what is he refusing? washington’s concern? the memories of the family he had and lost? or is it disbelief at what he’s done, a _no, this can’t be happening?_

i don’t have any definitive answers, but when i noticed it – admittedly, the subtlety of the movement is easily lost when washington is in the spotlight, his face a tragedy – i couldn’t stop watching it over again. hamilton is so lost. he is so hurt, and so confused about what he wants from washington, from himself. and every bit of that ends up embodied in this tiny, helpless shake of the head.


	63. on the placement of "the story of tonight reprise" [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 280)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: august 18th 2020

quick question: does anyone else find the placement of _the story of tonight reprise_ incredibly bizarre? specifically the way that hamilton’s behavior seems more in line with a bachelor party: he’s very visibly drunk, leaning against mulligan and gesturing exaggeratedly. he sobers up significantly when burr arrives -- an alternate explanation could be that hamilton is pretending to be more inebriated than he is at first, but that seems like a convoluted choice -- but before then he’s having a hard time standing on his own. 

chronologically the last we saw of the wedding was at the end of _satisfied,_ and hamilton and eliza left together, arm in arm, presumably to start their honeymoon. the next we see hamilton, he’s with his friends. where did eliza go? is she waiting for hamilton to come and meet her? why did hamilton feel the need to part ways with his new wife for drinking and reminiscing _immediately after_ his wedding? i understand that _helpless_ goes from first meeting to marriage in the space of a song, reflecting the speed of the courtship, so there’s not necessarily room for a bachelor party -- but then why include this moment at all? 

the placement is strange, the implications are stranger, and i don’t necessarily have any conclusions to draw beyond that. why is hamilton starting off his marriage by getting spectacularly drunk with his wife nowhere in sight? is the implication that he needs some liquid courage? i know i poke fun at “reliable with the ladies” often enough that it doesn’t bear repeating, but... seriously, this does not line up. and if not that, then what? what is going on in this song?


	64. on washington and hamilton in "stay alive" [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 432)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: august 27th 2020
> 
> anonymous asked:  
> i'm new to hamilton so i'm sure this has been discussed to death but i'm having feelings about stay alive and whamilton. the fact that george says 'one way for US to win this', the way they're a team in that song and how they build off each other so easily as they plan, washington's little 'uh huh' of understanding & agreement before alex is even finished with his thought. it's about the teamwork ... it's about the mutual respect ... it's about george calling him 'alex' because that kills me

it’s all of it. it’s hamilton’s soft “that’s right” as washington begins to lay out the plan, implying hamilton either already had the same thought or recognizes it as the right play the moment washington says it. it’s hamilton finishing washington’s thought and rhyme with “make it impossible to justify the cost of the fight” and washington’s “uh-huh”, the way they not only build off of each other but already seem to know the other’s intent and meaning at every beat. it’s hamilton echoing washington’s “outrun, outlast”, engaged and encouraging, matching his intensity, it’s the fact that this is a pivotal moment in the fight and it’s the two of them working through it – we’ll get the big climactic battle in _yorktown,_ but in the darkest moment, in washington’s most despondent moment, it’s him and hamilton setting their course. it’s the “us” that washington will echo in _history has its eyes on you_ when he says “i know that we can win”. it’s the army, it’s the rebels, but it’s also, always, the two of them. at the core of it, it’s the two of them.

it’s about the trust implied in hamilton being given full control and access to washington’s correspondence, it’s the blurring between their thoughts and their words – hamilton writing for washington, and then the two of them blending thoughts and finishing sentences. they’re a team, they’re functioning as one unit, flawless. it’s about how, even as washington is refusing to give hamilton the command he’s desperate for, they’re still side-by-side, washington is mapping out the plan with his hands for hamilton to see. hamilton is still incredibly valued and trusted even as he thinks he’s being overlooked – later, washington will reveal that it’s the possibility of losing hamilton that’s behind these rejections, but that’s already clear, here. that hamilton is invaluable to him is already so, so clear.

it’s washington’s hand on hamilton’s shoulder when they separate, the quiet comfort and reassurance of it in a tense and dangerous moment. it’s the well-worn intimacy of their movements, the physical closeness echoing the intellectual understanding, it’s washington calling hamilton “alex” with well-worn familiarity and being honest with him about their chances, their lack of resources. because he’s always been honest with him. has been ever since hamilton asked “why are you telling me this?” with a kind of disbelieving smile, because he never expected to be privy to this information and he knows it means something even then, that washington confides in him. it’s the sense that it’s the two of them against the world, always. 


	65. on "meet me inside" (#10) [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 821)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: august 29th 2020
> 
> anonymous asked:  
> hamilton is still incredibly valued and trusted even as he thinks he’s being overlooked – later, washington will reveal that it’s the possibility of losing hamilton that’s behind these rejections, but that’s already clear, here. << also ahh, that hurts me. that misinterpretation/misunderstanding (?) of what washington's denial means hurts me :( hence why I skip meet me inside every time

never skip mmi. or -- you can, you absolutely can, i skip _one last time_ without regret because it hurts and because We Don’t Talk About Act Two, but after lots of reflection i genuinely believe mmi shows us the heart of this dynamic. yes, it hurts to hear, but it hurts because it cuts through everything that’s been obscuring the core of what they are.

yes, mmi is a song about misunderstanding, but it’s also a song about brutal and unflinching honesty. it’s actual remarkable how _little room there is_ for misunderstanding. washington is incredibly clear -- “i need you alive” is completely, perfectly clear. it’s hamilton that won’t make himself clear, it’s hamilton that changes the fight from lee, to social status, to a command, to anything and everything he’s ever been angry at washington for. it’s hamilton who hears washington’s concern for his life and takes it as insult, like washington is accusing him of cowardice. hamilton misunderstands so spectacularly that it has to be, if not outright intentional, then... a sort of backing away from a truth he can’t face. an instinctual “this will hurt, this has hurt me before, i can’t look at it”.

and we know that’s true, because he tells us as much. some honesty, for once, from a character who’s posturing is endless, and endlessly infuriating. “call me son one more time” is hamilton at his most vulnerable and raw -- this is not something he planned to say, this is not something he _ever wanted to say._ but he says it. and it’s everything. it’s the pain of the loss he suffered as a child, it’s the fear of experiencing that loss/rejection again. it’s the enormity of what he feels for washington and the fact that it doesn’t _fit_ into any of the appropriate definitions, not wholly a soldier’s dedication to his commander and not (in fact, according to hamilton, _vehemently_ not) a son’s love for a father. he _doesn’t want to be washington’s son._ but. moments ago he spat “i don’t have your name” so maybe he doesn’t know what he wants. maybe you can want and not want something at the exact same time.

it’s most accurate to say it’s a song about (mis)understanding. it’s both. hamilton realizes how much washington matters to him, realizes he has inadvertently put too much of himself into someone else’s hands, given them power to hurt him with their disapproval and rejection. washington realizes more than hamilton gives him credit for -- if you skip mmi in the hamilfilm you skip washington’s expression right after hamilton screams, the shock and anger and regret and ache of it all. face like a tragedy. because it is tragic. washington understands something then and he sends hamilton away -- to protect him, and maybe because he knows there’s no way to solve this now. maybe no way to solve this ever -- a million years later he’ll hear jefferson taunt “daddy’s calling” and say nothing, do nothing, but stand there. because there are some places he knows he can’t go. 

but that’s a misunderstanding, too -- washington never calls hamilton “son” again, never attempts that same intimacy for all their closeness afterwards, because hamilton refused it so violently. washington’s blind spot, the one place where his incredibly ability to read hamilton fails, is himself. hamilton slams that door shut and washington doesn’t push. but hamilton doesn’t know what he wants, just -- just that he wants to be beside washington. what does it say that he can scream at washington like that and then look so utterly shocked and heartbroken when he’s sent away? isn’t that what he wanted? yes. no. he doesn’t know, he has never known, so how can washington? washington has read hamilton’s strong opposition to care as something definitive, but i think hamilton doesn’t know _how_ to go to those places, how to make sense of them. i think part of him wants to, if his absolute shock and grief in _one last time_ is any indication.

the tragedy of mmi is that they come so close to understanding whatever this is between them. there is no easy explanation for the emotion and intensity that plays out. there is no way to make them fit into any kind of neatly defined box. there is _something._ we see it in washington’s face, in hamilton’s explosive reaction and then the come-down, shaking his head, staggering back from the force of a realization he did not want. we actually never definitively know what the realization _is_ \-- how much does washington see when hamilton breaks? how much does hamilton see in himself? we don’t know, we’re not allowed to know. but for a moment, there’s something. a tension that aches to break but never quite gets there. it’s maybe less about misunderstanding than it is about understanding just enough to be hurt by what they know. 


	66. on hamilton's grin in "ten duel commandments" [hamilfilm meta] (word count: 416)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: september 20th 2020

have never noticed until this moment that in _ten duel commandments_ hamilton just... grins, on “your man has to answer for his words, burr.” like. absolute delight at the thought of lee getting what’s coming to him. and when burr responds with an understandably surprised “with his life?” hamilton switches tactics, brings up all the men who died under lee’s command. but that wasn’t his first reason he gave. the first reason was lee’s words, the fact that he insulted washington. the death lee caused appears almost secondary -- something hamilton knows will be more convincing to someone who isn’t him, someone who wouldn’t see a man dead just for insulting his general.

and like -- it’s not that he’s not taking this _seriously._ he is very much taking this seriously, i absolutely believe him in mmi with he says “john should’ve shot [lee] in the mouth”. he’s not grinning in this moment because he thinks it’s a joke, it’s just that he feels none of the weight of lee potentially dying -- or of anyone dying, really, which is... interesting, considering laurens is at risk too. he’s excited for a little payback, a little justice, excited to see it go down. there’s nothing else in his head. if lee dies, he dies -- shouldn’t have talked shit. not where hamilton could hear it. 

just. it’s so wonderfully bizarre, that smile. maybe he finds the concept of burr trying to defend lee funny, or maybe he’s just giddy at the prospect of getting back at lee. it sort of shifts to that less-smile-more-grimace he wears in _aaron burr, sir,_ where he glances down and his mouth is curled up still but he’s not amused anymore. but before that -- absolutely a grin. i’ve talked at some length about hamilton’s reactions often being out of sync with what other people expect, but this in particular is fascinating. because it really is _hamilton’s_ fight, laurens offered because hamilton couldn’t do it. hamilton has no intention of playing the role of mediator here. “negotiate a time and place” -- he’s made up his mind from the start, he wants lee to bleed. specifically: he wants lee to bleed because lee insulted washington, because the thought of that is so unacceptable that alex would rather see this man hurt or dead than let it go. so he’s smiling. he’s kind of really delighted. 

he’s risking absolutely everything for the sake of washington’s name and he’s _smiling about it._ it’s wild. 


	67. on washington calling hamilton "alex" in "stay alive" (wordcount: 563)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: september 27th 2020
> 
> sue92178 commented on chapter 64: I don't know why, but Washington calling Hamilton "Alex" always jumps out at me. I am not sure, but does anyone else call him Alex in the musical? I think even Eliza says "Alexander."

eliza calls him alex in the very first song, but it's referring to him, not speaking directly at him: "alex and his mother bedridden, half-dead." she never refers to him with it, as far as I can recall. washington also says it in the first song -- “alex, you gotta fend for yourself.” It's interesting that we get it in _stay alive_ when the situation is so dire -- hamilton and washington against the world, right? washington will let the formalities go. he's been letting them go ever since that first meeting, letting hamilton come around his desk like he owns the place.

what’s interesting to me about the “alex, listen” moment is that it falls perfectly in line with that history of washington making allowances for hamilton. there’s the trust, of course, there’s the fact that in _stay alive_ hamilton is writing washington’s correspondence, taking power and ownership over washington’s words. it will happen again in _one last time._ but more fascinating, to me, are the little moments. hamilton coming around washington’s desk in _right hand man._ hamilton leaning up against washington’s desk in _one last time,_ all casual familiarity. it’s the _familiarity._ it’s the fact that in the middle of the worst of the war washington turns to him and calls him alex, like -- a friend, maybe, though none of hamilton’s friends call him that, _eliza_ doesn’t even call him that to his face/within the actual bounds of the narrative, so. maybe not like a friend. like something not quite professional, and not quite like anything else. because they might die, because this isn’t the time for formalities, because they’re as close to equals in this moment as they can be. i can’t see washington allowing that for anyone else. as far as we see, he never allows it for anyone else.

and then that moment is followed by the two of them being perfectly in sync, thinking at the exact same level. it’s intimate. it’s a small moment that maybe doesn’t mean much in and of itself but gestures to a larger trend in their relationship. and in terms of what we get the hamilfilm there’s not -- a reaction, really, from hamilton in response. _that_ interests me. much like washington calling him “son” in _right hand man_ doesn’t seem to phase him, this moment here doesn’t seem to bother him either. at least not enough to make a fuss over. he allows small intimacies, but the big declaration in mmi overwhelms him. 

and am i intrigued that the only time we hear “alex” outside of stay alive is in reference to him and his mother falling ill, and then the moment he learns the depths of his survival instinct? yes. i am fascinated that the first song ties “alex” to periods of extreme vulnerability, and then in _stay alive_ when he is again in danger washington says it (again). and yes, the first song isn’t technically “canon” in the sense that it’s exposition and not the story, but. i’ve talked before about echoes, and how it’s interesting washington is the one to narrate hamilton’s urge to survive, and it is _very interesting_ that moment and _stay alive_ are connected in that way. it’s that link again and again between washington and hamilton’s survival. washington speaking it into existence, over and over, until he’s not there to speak anymore. 


	68. on "ten duel commandments", hamilton, and death [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 638)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: october 2 2020
> 
> anonymous asked: Now, this may seem dumb, but i wanted to get your opinion on it? so bear with me here. you've talked about how in ten duel commandments, alex feels none of the weight of lee OR laurens dying, yet the fear of death constantly follows him. Does he just not care about anyone but himself (which is unlikely, given the entire duel is for washington, another person), or is it something else?

i’d argue he doesn’t care if _lee_ dies. honestly, if hamilton was the one dueling, lee would be dead -- hamilton absolutely would have gone for somewhere vital. when has he ever _not?_ as for laurens, i think it's as simple as the fact that the thought of him dying doesn’t cross hamilton’s mind. he’s crushed when laurens eventually does die, so we know he cares, as much as hamilton can care about anyone. in tdc he’s just... not thinking about anything beyond lee’s insults. and when laurens offers there’s that pause, and “do not throw away your shot” is a caution, absolutely... but it’s also permission: yeah. do this dangerous, unnecessary thing because i’m angry on the behalf of someone i care about. and i don’t know how to read that, honestly, except to say that he’s lucky here. and _laurens_ knows he was lucky here, which is interesting to me -- he hugs hamilton after, utter relief. 

but you pose a good question. if he’s so afraid of death, why isn’t he afraid here? we know hamilton has a habit of being very easily led by his emotions, by his anger. i think he is so consumed by the shock and anger of hearing washington insulted that solving that, getting justice for that, is his only thought. if lee dies, he dies, in hamilton’s head it’s justified. if laurens dies -- well, laurens won’t die. they’re in the right, they’re on the side of justice, so it’ll be fine. it comes back around to hamilton having this really... naive way of looking at the world that seems utterly at odds with the life he’s had. it happens again with philip -- hamilton assumes eacker will aim at the sky, because that’s the honorable thing, even though hamilton’s seen that’s not always how duels unfold. he _tells laurens_ not to throw his shot away -- which, honestly, is a whole other discussion about if that means hamilton knows he’s asking laurens to do something dishonorable, if washington’s honor takes precedence over all. 

so it might be less that he doesn’t care and more than he’s very stuck in his own perspective. he doesn’t think that the world can be anything else. and it doesn’t make sense on the outside, because he knows death so intimately, he knows it can come even without taking stupid, impulsive risks. and i think that might be the point of it. it doesn’t make sense, he doesn’t make sense. he is simultaneously incredibly world-weary and incredibly naive. he knows death is coming and he seems terrified of it and desperate for it all at once -- for the right kind of death, maybe, glorious as opposed to sickness or drowning. we know he wants to die. we know he’s plagued by the specter of death. he’s all contradictions, all the time. we don’t get the luxury of a clear answer.

i do think he has a hard time caring about people, in general. he forms connections but isn’t careful with them. and he’s selfish, undoubtedly. i think the life he led impacted that, but it’s also down to his own choices. he puts himself first in everything because that’s how he’s survived this long. at least, in almost everything. it’s a surprise to absolutely no one that i think he cares a lot about washington, beyond the ways in which washington is useful to him. washington he’ll kill for, die for, drop everything for. washington he’ll _live_ for, which i think isn’t talked about enough. it’s not remotely a surprise to me that his focus in the duel is washington’s honor, and the proximity of death doesn’t register to him even once. hamilton is single-minded, and his brain was full in this moment with being the knight in a story. 


	69. on "meet me inside" #11 [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 338)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: january 5th, 2021

okay, so mmi. washington turning his back after it’s done, after he’s sent hamilton home -- but _before_ hamilton has left him. it’s a dismissal, it’s a door shutting. but more than that, it is, i think, washington reaching for some kind of calm and control, it’s an admission that he is neither of those things right now. it’s washington not wanting to look at hamilton anymore, but not, or at least not entirely, because he’s angry, because hamilton disrespected him. there’s that beat where washington is silent, right before “go home, alexander,” and you see -- concern, dread, _something_ that is not anger on his face as he takes in the fullness of hamilton’s anger, something a little like regret, like horror. washington realizes that they’ve touched on something raw, that they’ve reached a place that can’t be solved or addressed. 

and then the turn, a glimpse of his expression -- exhausted, still angry, yes. but the fact that he doesn’t wait to see hamilton follow his order, maybe can’t bear to look at this anymore -- _this_ being the mess they’ve made, hamilton’s expression, wide-eyed and young and hurt in a way it’s never been, the knowledge that he put that expression there, that there’s nothing that can be done to solve it. it might be regret, for letting things get this far, it might be shame, but most importantly i don’t think that it is what hamilton must think it is -- disgust, or a complete rejection of him. washington doesn’t watch him leave, washington _doesn’t want to watch him leave._ he doesn’t turn and storm off right away, either, he just. turns. breaks the firm, unshakeable eye contact, trusts that will be enough, hopes that will be enough, and turns his back on all of it, because there’s nothing he can do. there’s this heaviness to him that isn’t only anger, maybe even isn’t anger at all, now. just weariness. what have they done? what has _he_ done, and how did they get here?


	70. on "meet me inside" #12 [hamilfilm meta] (wordcount: 235)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> original post date: january 5th, 2021

and another thing -- when hamilton first screams at washington, there’s this softening in washington’s expression, brows furrowing not quite in anger -- shock, definitely, but concern too, i think. his head moves, a slow shake or his eyes following every moment hamilton makes. he’s confused, concerned. this wasn’t what he intended, hamilton coming apart at the seams was never what he intended, and this is the moment where he realizes the situation has gotten out of his control, if he ever had control to begin with. 

and what strikes me here is that there’s silence, after that. they’ve been meeting each other argument for argument and then there’s silence, washington doesn’t fight back., doesn’t fill the space. he takes the time to take in everything on hamilton’s face -- he is watching him so, so intently, and i don’t know how to parse that. it’s such careful attention, and whatever conclusion he draws after the end of that silence is what drives him to send hamilton home, away from -- all of this, the war, him. i’m so struck by the simple fact that his response to hamilton screaming at him isn’t immediate anger, immediately reasserting control, but just -- looking at him. trying to understand. and maybe he does understand, if a little too late, and why he sends hamilton away before they can do more damage, before he can do more damage.


End file.
